Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
