he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
