I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
