I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
