Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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