I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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