1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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