Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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