I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
