I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
