I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
