Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
