oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I accidentally burped into my bong.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
