How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
