that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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