i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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