After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
