Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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