turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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