I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
