So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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