Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
