Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
