dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
