so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
