DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
