Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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