My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
