And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
