just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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