dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
