I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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