his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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