Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
