dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
