he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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