i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
