I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's always time for handjobs
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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