I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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