take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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