you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
