ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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