i already hear my dad disowning me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
