Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
