Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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