I love black thongs
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
