Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You're a waste of cheezeits
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
