So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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