dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
