Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
