last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
