Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
