remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
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I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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